It’s been over 3 months since my last post. I’m not sure exactly what happened to make me stop posting, but I think I pretty much forgot my blog even existed for most of that time. I guess it has been a combination of things. At the very end of January, a dear friend lost her baby girl. It was devastating to me in a way that I can’t really describe or even understand. I think I was having a hard time reconciling my emotions and fears regarding my own situation with what she and her husband were going through, as well as just feeling a small part of their pain. At the beginning of February, we started packing for our move to the house. We went to Vegas at the end of February and moved within 2 weeks of getting back. I worked myself into a tizzy over the whole moving process and then stressed over not being able to move directly into the house. We had to live with Chris’s parents for a week, during which time I essentially had a nervous breakdown over not having my own space, living out of a suitcase, and having a negative pregnancy test. Once we were officially able to move into the house, I lost it again on my first day of work here. Neither Chris or I had been sleeping well in the new space, with all its crazy and unfamiliar sounds, so I was already primed for an emotional meltdown. The house was still under construction, so we had workers in and out all day, which I wasn’t expecting. Lola kept losing her shit over so many strange people coming and going, so I spent a large part of the day trying to discipline her and couldn’t concentrate on what I needed to be doing. The yard was a giant mud puddle from melting snow and rain, and I had to wash the dogs in the utility sink several times throughout the day so they wouldn’t track mud all through the house. Which meant that each trip outside took about 30 minutes every time they needed to go out. I ran out to get gas and food, and my credit card was put on hold because there was an issue with the new versus old address at the gas station. The cherry on top of that first day was nearly losing my shoe when I tried to get the mail. The mud down by the mailbox was sneaky, disguising itself as a stable pile of rocks. It was no such thing.
I was able to end that day laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of things, and each day since has been better. We’re doing better in the sleep department, though we still have our difficult nights. The mud has mostly dried up, so it is much easier taking the dogs out now. Most of the boxes are unpacked. We still have a long way to go as far as having the house be complete and no longer having workers here, but I have more realistic expectations of what the days will be like and know I need to at least have a bra on by 8 am. Though Lola continues to be protective and get worked up, both dogs seem to be comfortable here and have their own little favorite spots and an understanding of our new routine. Work is going well for me. My office is set up, and I can actually be productive with the majority of my time. I’m trying very hard to step back and be thankful for the beautiful home we have. It’s an incredible thing, and I need to keep that in mind when I get lost in the challenges of adjusting to a different life.
A couple of weeks ago, Chris’s aunt passed away. She was young, just in her 50s. We had some time to prepare, but it was still difficult for the family. In the days leading up to her death and throughout the events that followed, I spent a lot of time thinking about my life and the people I love, what I would do or how I would feel if I lost them. Especially Chris. I can’t really imagine it. I’m such a pain in the ass most of the time, and he loves me. Even as we continue dealing with the stresses of fertility treatments, and I’m losing my mind over vaginal suppositories or not having closet rails to hang coats or some other stupid thing, he loves me. And I constantly take it for granted. I feel like it’s a daily battle to keep things in perspective and be grateful for my amazing life. I think it will always be a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs. Some days will be hard, and others will bring tremendous joy. I will get worked up over silly things. I will be happy and sad. But I will be living a life filled with continuous love. And that’s the most important thing.