I’ve learned a valuable lesson over the last couple of days. Denial and avoidance do not equal surrender. For probably at least the last 2 months, I’ve been trying to fool myself into thinking that I’m cool with getting my period. It’s good that my body is working properly! I’m happy that there aren’t any issues with either me or Chris! We’ll just have fun and not try too hard! Or then I just don’t think about it all. I put everything over to one side of my brain and put up a nice, big wall so that I don’t have to feel anything at all. None of it is any good though. The wall is down, and all the crap is spilling out.
I got my period Saturday and then spent most of my day as a complete grump. I couldn’t even cry. I just walked around like troll. I realized then how much I still really want this and got honest with myself about how much I’ve been trying to repress it. If I’m really being honest, I’m angry and really freaking frustrated with God right now. I haven’t prayed in months. To say or even think the words that I want a baby and want God to take that from me would be to admit that I even have feelings about it in the first place, which is something I’ve been trying to avoid. Clearly though, I have a lot of feelings. And some of them aren’t very nice. I caught myself the other day rolling my eyes when I saw 3 pregnant women in a row. I couldn’t help myself. I felt like they were just flaunting it in my face. The worst is when someone says something negative about her pregnancy, like she’s so uncomfortable or she misses drinking. I’d like to have a reason to be uncomfortable and not drink. I’d really like to have a reason for the 5 pounds I’ve gained in the last month, even with eating right and exercising, because just gaining weight at this point feels like a cosmic joke. Some girl actually said to me recently that she was annoyed at how quickly she had gotten pregnant. I’m sorry, what? I’m surprised she didn’t feel the force of the mental slap I was administering to her face with my brain hand.
I realize this isn’t fair. These women are entitled to their gripes. They’re valid. I understand that pregnancy isn’t a giant, magical ball of bliss. And I don’t expect people to tiptoe around me and be all considerate of my feelings and whatever. I just don’t want to hear or see anything from any of them.
What I want is to be pregnant. I want to miss my period. I want to see a pregnancy test turn positive. I want Chris to hug and kiss me out of excitement and not out of comfort. I want to have to buy pants that need a little extra room in the waist. I want to turn down that glass of wine with dinner. I want to complain about my stiff back and swollen ankles. I want to buy little baby booties and mini diapers. I want to be nervous about giving birth for the first time. I want to be the one sending out the first pictures of me holding my baby in the hospital, hooked up to tubes and looking blotchy and unkempt. Mostly, I really want to be able to walk past Pottery Barn Kids when I’m at the mall and not have to turn my head. And I want to be able to go into the room in our house that I keep thinking of as the nursery and not be sad.
Well, at least now I’m crying. That’s probably a step in the right direction. As they say, admitting you have a problem is the hardest part.