Apparently, I’m averaging about 3 1/2 months in between freak outs. Not too bad I suppose, all things considered.
This last week started off hard. I had been in a very strange place for several days. I was feeling kind of outside myself, because, if I was fully present, I couldn’t deal with the amount of stress and anxiety I was feeling. Over what? I don’t know. That was the hardest part. I was living with this ball of anxious energy in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t put a finger on what was causing it. Of course, then my period came and right on schedule. I sort of expected it. I did not, however, expect my intensely emotional reaction (I cried for almost the entire day) after having such success in managing my stress, anxiety, tears, etc. I really just couldn’t get it together. Thankfully, I was working from home, so I could fib and say my allergies were acting up whenever I had to talk to someone. I’m sure the ridiculous schedule I’ve been keeping this month with work and evening and weekend activities, as well as the situation with my parents’ dog (who is still hanging in there), had not helped my frame of mind. I was tired and unsettled and just not mentally prepared to deal with disappointment.
So a funny thing happened. I was shown exactly how blessed I am.
First, Chris is an incredible husband. I’ve realized over these last few months just how much he loves me, which is more than I could imagine or ever thought possible. And I saw it this week in full force. At a time when my moods and frustrations should be driving him up the wall (and probably are), he remains patient (not one of his greatest virtues) and sweet with me. At my worst this week, he told me multiple times that he loved me. He called me to check on me and make sure I knew that my feelings were important to him. He continues to try to make me laugh. Sometimes I just catch him looking at me. I feel very special. For the last 2 years, we’ve been in the process of building a house. This in itself should make me thankful. I’m building the house of my dreams with the man of my dreams, something that not a lot of people get to do. Chris made this happen. He has spent more time and energy in coordinating the design and development of the house than I know. He, who does not get stressed, stays up at night with house thoughts rushing through his head while I sleep easily (and mercifully) beside him. He is getting things done, and he is doing it for us. Though I’ve gotten glimpses of it from time to time, I know after this week how much I take him for granted.
Secondly, we have some truly gracious and kind people around us. Chris and I had a bit of a breakthrough in our small group this week where we talked in detail about some of the issues we’ve been having throughout this process. It was amazing to have other couples, each who have significant things going on in their own lives, show earnest interest in and sensitivity to us and pray for us. These people love us. It is tangible. Throughout this week, I’ve gotten messages from women, some I know well and others I don’t, who have read this blog and shared their personal and sometimes heartbreaking experiences with me. Who am I to receive these gifts? It is incredible. Feeling the love and support of these wonderful people brings a different sort of tears to my eyes and encouragement beyond measure.
I’m not sure how I will feel tomorrow and in the days and weeks to come as Chris and I begin yet another month of counting and scheduling and recording, but I do know that, right now, today, in this moment, I feel at peace.