50 Shades of Crap


It’s bad. Like, really, really bad. Maybe actually reading the book would be a more enjoyable experience (doubtful), but the audio book version is indescribable. It’s like they found the most valley of the valley girls who could barely read and put her in front of a microphone with a copy of the book. I don’t know who made that call. It was a bad one.


I realize I went into this with a preconceived notion of what I was going to get, so I’m biased, but this is some terrible stuff. The writing is not good. Just very halted and overly descriptive. Every scene is about 5 pages worth of adjectives. I mean, I have now heard Christian Grey’s eyes smolder, twinkle, be on fire with desire, turn dark with lust, and be impassible. I now know almost every piece of clothing he owns, down to the fabric color and feel and exactly how it fits his body. I know the details of his “playroom” in minutia, down to every last whip, chain, and leather-studded manacle. (Yet, I didn’t find out until about Chapter 8 that his hair is red…copper? Regardless, seems like a strange detail to leave out when I know so much more about his physical presence.) It’s so much excessive detail that sometimes I forget what’s actually happening (not much). The main girl, Ana (short for Anastasia…of course) has so many ridiculous thoughts in her head regarding her own self-doubt and why Christian finds her attractive that the author could fill a supplemental diary of nonsense. What is he thinking? I’m so frustrated. I don’t understand what he’s saying. Why does he want me? Come on, girl! He wants you. Just accept and enjoy it.


But the sex. That actually seems pretty good, at least by romance novel standards (not that I’ve ever read any…seriously!). There’s definitely something to be desired in the delivery from the reader, but even she seems to come out of her oddly jilting tone when she gets to the sex. It’s smoother and more interesting. I’m guessing this is why the author wrote this book in the first place. Well, good for her I guess. She’s made a rack of bills off of a terrible plot and some passable sex talk. That’s more than I can say. And of course I’ll keep going because now I have to see how the rest of this train wreck plays out. And I’ll probably see the movie…once it’s available for download, naturally. I’m a sucker for a good distraction, and I won’t be ashamed of it (okay, I won’t be too ashamed of it).

  1. 2 Comments
  2. Ruth Key
    Feb 9, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    His hair is red…?! I was obviously clocked by that point. They lost me at the combination of submissive contract and nipple clamps 😉

  3. Chris
    Feb 11, 2015 at 3:52 am

    Like, Ed Sheeran red?

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